When we adopted Ruth we knew we would one day have to return to CHOP. We knew this would be extremely difficult. The same sights, sounds and emotions from the day we loss Teresa would be hard to relive.
Ruth was scheduled to have her first surgery to repair her heart on Wednesday September 23. Her anatomy is very complex. Being there and going through the same environment as before brought back many suppressed emotions for Ed and I. We specifically asked not to be in room 11. Greeting the nurses that took care of Teresa for those 2 weeks was hard. It felt like it was only yesterday we were hugging them and grieving our sweet Teresa and now we were there again.
Going down the same hall to the OR was not good. Saying "good bye", was not good.
Why do some children survive and others die?
I just don't know. When a child goes through a difficult surgery and survives, people say " God must have a great plan for their lives", " this child is a fighter".
I disagree. Does this imply that if a child dies that God did not have a great plan for them or they did not fight to live?
It's nice to say" they are in a better place" or " they are out of pain". I can assure you that no mother feels her child is in a better place other than being in HER arms.
So as we kissed Ruth good bye , we prayed as we did before with Teresa, for Gods will to be done and God to be glorified through Ruth's life.
God is always good even when the outcome is not what we pray for.
Ruth did incredible with her surgery. She was up the next morning walking. We slowly felt relief and comfort knowing she was doing so well. She has had a few complications along the way but she is making steady progress. Her pericardial effusion has finally almost dried up after having a drain placed. And it looks like home is not far away!
Walking this journey again was hard and at times almost felt impossible. But as I look at Ruth as she is sleeping holding my hand , I know it was all worth it! I would do it over again 100 times to have the honor of being her Mama.
God is good all of the time.