My sweet girl, I have to apologize to you. You see for the past 23 days, since you went to Heaven , I have been doing something very wrong. I have not been living, just exsiting. It takes every bit of energy I can muster just to get out of bed in the morning. Most of the day it is too difficult to even breath. I was going through the motions of life but not feeling any emotion except tremendous grief at not having you here to hug and kiss.
I would be lying if I didn't say, I wish I could go back to that day and SCREAM, "NO DON'T DO IT !!!!!"
But I know that was not Gods Will.
I realized how I have been living for the past 23 days was wrong because this is not how you lived . You never just existed you LIVED with a capital L! You woke up every morning full of life and energy ready to enjoy every minute of the day . As difficult as it was for you to breath you never complained and you never sat down. You wanted to see and do everything. You never let half a heart , damaged lungs , a small arm and the tremendous lack of oxygen to all of your organs stop you from LIVING! You had such a strong will to live and enjoy life. You spread love with your endless hugs to everyone. And you always had something nice to say about everyone, especially if they had on sparkly shoes like you. Your energy lit up the room as soon as you came in it. Your soul was full of wonder and magic.
I will not live like this any more. I will live the rest of my life like you did.
Every night at dinner we all share something good that we did for another person that day. We also talk about you and how you lived your life so full of love. We each share our favorite memory of you and how we are going to try and live like you did, full of love for others. Your sisters have so many happy memories of you. We now give two hugs to your sisters and two kisses , one from us and one from you. Love was just one of the many lessons you taught us and because of you I can love more.
Because of you T, I am a better person. It was an HONOR and a PRIVILEGE to be your Mother.
" You will find as you look back upon your life that the moments when you have really lived, are the moments when you have done things in a spirit of love."-Henry Drummond
Sweet baby girl, you were pure Agape LOVE .
Definition: Agape is selfless, sacrificial, unconditional love, the highest of the four types of love in the Bible.
We continue to pray the you will continue to find strength and peace in Jesus' arms! I know the lesson I have learned following your family's and Teresa's example is to "L"IVE! Live and Love as best we can each and every day that the Lord keeps us here.
ReplyDeleteOnce again thank you for sharing your family & Teresa with us.
Blessing and love from the Carr's.
Praying For You And Your Family, Ann. I Cannot Imagine What A Loss You Feel. I Think Of Your Beautiful Family Often. My Little Nuala, Who Would Have Been Fast Friends With Teresa, Remembers Her And Your Family Quite Often During Her Early Morning Breakfast Prayers. I Will Keep You All In My Prayers. - Dave Stanghellini
ReplyDeleteLOVE her dance picture from this years recital. Praying for you as you walk the hard road forward. Be still and know that he is God.
ReplyDeleteAnn,
ReplyDeleteHave been so concerned as these days move forward and the challenge of returning to everyday life is so trying when you've experienced the loss you all have. Our family continues to pray and our girls always, even at meals include their concerns for you all. Thought of you yesterday while driving and 3rd Days song "Cry out to Jesus" began with the line of dealing with emotions of a broken heart. Reminded me to pray again for you. I know our family is not alone and so many others are still keeping you in their hearts and prayers. This revelation you shared in your post is beautiful and a great perspective to hold on to. God continue to bless and keep you all.
The Carrs
Still....I know how hard this is / will be....but know that it is - in fact - what your daughter wants!
ReplyDeletehugs - aus and co.
Ann, I cannot fathom how you must feel except to say I could not imagine if something happened to one of my children. I know I would not want to live...and yet, I must live for the others and in honor of that child. I guess what I am trying to say is if I was there right now, I would give you a huge hug. No words can adequately convey how deeply sorry I am.
ReplyDeleteMy mother for years before she passed would say, "Don't grieve their death, but celebrate their life." May God Bless you all as you learn to celebrate Teresa's life, I know it will be hard, and there will still be times you'll have breakdowns...but learning to "live" and "love" again would make Teresa proud, and happy for you. Much love!
ReplyDeleteBeautiful! Your angel is soo special! She is changing the world, one heart at a time!
ReplyDeletethis makes me so happy. You are so right on!!
ReplyDeletePraying for the broken hearts in your family ; may God restore you! HUGS!!!
ReplyDeleteLove
The Arnold family
I am so so sorry for your loss, Ann, and so touched that you shared your self with us in such a a vulnerable and authentic way. I can imagine the ache your arms feel to just hold your baby girl one more time. Please know that so many people, even strangers like me, are surrounding you and your beautiful family with love and prayers. Your love for Teresa shines brightly in every word thought and picture you've shared with the world. You did everything you could for her and should rest in the comfort of knowing that Teresa spent her last years on this earth being loved fiercely by an amazing mama!
ReplyDeleteAll my best,
Antinette mama to Hadley another China heart baby
Simply Beautiful, LOVE!
ReplyDeleteI don't even know what to say because I have never been in your shoes. Thank you for loving her so much and hoping your heart begins to heal soon. Blessings
ReplyDeleteJust wanted to say that I admire you so much and I hope with all my heart that you can LIVE up to your intentions!
ReplyDeleteWarm regards from the Netherlands,
Claudia Huisman
Dear Ann,
ReplyDeleteThere is probably nothing anyone can say to ease your pain, but please know the entire Bartlinski family is in my daily prayers. May you soon find peace through your Angel, Teresa. Stay strong for your girls. They need you now, more than ever.
God Bless all of you!
Ann....
ReplyDeleteWow, I needed to read this Blog post right now. See, I am a learning disabled individual.... And struggle mightily with being different. I may not be grieving the loss of my adopted daughter, but we have something in common. You and I. Because I, too, have been existing, not living. And, like when Tony Stark/Iron Man said in "The Avengers", everything in my life--birth defects, learning disabilities, everything--"It's a... terrible privilege.". Thanks for sharing.
--Raelyn
That brought tears to my eyes Ann. I know it must be so very difficult to go on, to try and be like Teresa. She was so very full of life, and such a beautiful example to all of us. I live with chronic pain every day, but I give thanks to God for all of my blessings, and try to be like Teresa and not complain, but praise God with every breath I take. She was, and is, such an inspiration to me, as is your whole family. Thank you again for sharing your family with us.
ReplyDeletePraying for you and your family. I give thanks to God for Teresa and the joy & love she brought to others. I am grieving Princess Teresa since her passing. i have cried and my 6 yr old still wants to pray for Teresa. I know she is with Jesus having the best time and even though I never met her I know one day I will and one day you and your family will be reunited with your precious princess.
ReplyDeleteI love you, Ann xoxo
ReplyDeleteI have been thinking of you and your family almost everyday...I cant begin to understand what you all have gone thru... I recently sang at a funeral for a 47 yr old who left behind four children...the youngest is just a sixth grader...I looked at them during the song and noticed pained expressions to the I just cant believe this is happening looks...what do u even say...other than we are here for you...especially in the days where support fades...Teresa whispered in your ear and told u to live not to exist....she is still with you in spirit...that can not be taken from you....her spirit is so strong that is has affected many to be retrospective of their lives...including me...she taught us to find the things that make us happy no matter how simple.. . please know that you have so many praying for all of you.
ReplyDeleteMichele
.Carlsbad, NM..
Thank you for sharing this post, Ann. My heart breaks for you and I cannot begin to imagine how you must feel. But, I'm so glad that in your grieving, you realized that you will LIVE the same way little Teresa lived each and every day. You are such an incredible Mom! You gave Teresa an incredible life. You are the ones who taught her how to live. Teresa has taught the entire world how to live!!!!! Your baby girl has touched the lives of so many people. You write so beautifully. Thank you for allowing us into your lives. Our prayers continue for you and your family. Teresa is an angel looking down on you, encouraging and allowing you to move forward. She knows how big your hearts are, and knows you will help other children obtain the surgery they need to survive. Ann, thank you for letting us see into your daily life. You and Teresa are such an inspiration. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
ReplyDeleteDear Ann and family,
ReplyDeleteI can only imagine the pain you are going through, but I know Teresa wants you all to be happy. She wants you to continue giving the hugs and kisses and to never stop. She is with Jesus and she now understands Heaven well, better than us humans can. She knows you will be together again very soon. Ann, she needs you to be strong, for the family and yourself.
We will continue to pray for your family. May God give you the peace and understanding that only He can give,
Lee Ann